


Reunion

by greenforsnow



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst With A Happyish Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Past Relationship(s), Post-Prisoner of Azkaban, Well - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 09:25:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11181816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenforsnow/pseuds/greenforsnow
Summary: Remus and Sirius' first meeting after the events of Prisoner of Azkaban.It had been different at Hogwarts. They had a task, a common enemy, witnesses. Now it was just them and Remus ached with things he felt he should say— ached with questions.





	Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> This is just the version of their reconciliation after PoA that I've had in my head for forever.

“Hello Remus,” Dumbledore voice came from inside his office. Remus was standing outside looking at his hands— still cut from last night’s transformation. He felt like a teenager again— something that had been happening frequently the past few days. He took a breath and stepped inside. “What if I told you,” Dumbledore began quietly, not looking up from the parchment he was writing on, “that I do not accept your resignation?” 

 

Remus sighed, exhausted with the thought of having this argument, exhausted with the questions he really wanted to ask. “It would not matter. We both know the news of what happened has already spread. I’d rather leave on my own terms— as much as I can at least.”

 

“You know I wish it was not like this. I dare say there is a large portion of the student body that agree with me after spending the year with you.”

 

Remus tried to meet Dumbledore’s smile, but his mouth only twitched. The usual warmth he felt towards the old man was not there. He had too many questions about the events of the previous night as well as what Dumbledore had known. “Either way, I could not put children at risk like that again. It was irresponsible for me to think I was— managed enough to…” Remus’ voice trailed off, but he swallowed and spoke again, “That is all I wish to speak on the matter, sir,” he finished firmly. 

 

Dumbledore met his eyes calmly and nodded.

 

“Sirius?” The question came out before Remus could stop it. 

 

“He is safely out of the castle. A fugitive still, but quite safe,” Dumbledore said.

 

Remus’ knees almost buckled in relief. He listened as Dumbledore recounted the events that led to both Peter and Sirius’ escapes. He smiled despite himself as the other man finished. “He really is their son isn’t he? James and Lily?” A familiar ache spread in his chest as he spoke his friends’ names, but it was not as painful as before. 

 

“It is remarkable,” Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled as he smiled across the desk at Remus. “Sirius wrote,” he said after a pause. He handed Remus a tightly rolled piece of parchment. It was a quickly scrawled reassurance that he was safe. No details, but at the bottom, underlined twice, was a single question:  _ Where’s Remus?  _ “You know he cannot stay with you,” Dumbledore said slowly as Remus read over the note again, “Not now. I managed to convince our dear Minister that you had no hand in helping Sirius escape, but I fear Severus was quite insistent. I believe they will search your home and maybe monitor you for some time. It would not be safe for him to stay there now.”

 

“Of course,” Remus said. He was not able to identify what he was feeling. The thought of seeing Sirius again, alone, with no distractions from the things they had and had not said in the past, no way to avoid the reality of the last twelve years was terrifying. But also now the only thing he could think about. 

 

“I can, of course, send him your address, but I advise that I only do so after the Ministry has conducted its search and asked you their questions. If you want him to visit. I’ve recommended he leave the country for a while after,” Dumbledore’s stare was unwavering.

 

Remus bit his lip, “No, I mean. No, yes. I’ll let you know once they have left. That would be... That would be good.” Remus felt the urge to run away. “I should go pack my things if that will be all?”

 

“Yes Remus,” Dumbledore said, “I’ll arrange a carriage for you later this afternoon.”

 

“Thank you sir,” Remus turned to leave. He made it to the door before stopping. “Wait,” he began. He didn’t really want to know the answer to his question. He did not want to be angry. He was tired of it, but he knew that he was going to ask. “How long? How long did you know he was innocent? How long did you know about Peter?” He could not help the bitterness that crept into his voice. He found himself not caring if Dumbledore heard the anger behind his words. For the first time he was not concerned about the older man’s opinion of him.

 

“I had suspicions. Nothing more,” Dumbledore said.

 

“You didn’t say anything. You never spoke about it to anyone? You knew he might be innocent, but you let him sit in Azkaban? You never… you let me believe it for twelve years,” Remus met Dumbledore’s eyes again, forcing himself not to look away.

 

“My dear Remus, I had no confirmation and I did not want to deliver— hope— when I could not follow through,” Dumbledore rose from his desk to walk towards him, but Remus turned. It was the answer that he wanted to hear, but it was what he feared. 

 

“Goodbye Albus,” He said and walked towards the door. He paused, one foot already out of the office, “All those years. All those years, we were both alone. Do you really believe you did this for our own good?” He did not wait for the reply.

 

* * *  

Remus arrived home that evening and felt an overwhelming urge to go to the pub. His bare apartment felt too empty and honestly, he did not feel he could handle being anywhere there was room to think. He dropped his bags on the floor and turned around immediately. There was a place down the street where Remus knew the exact combination of gentle smiles and winks that would get him refills and pastries handed to him slyly, wrapped in napkins, which never showed up on his bill.

 

“Remus,” Mary greeted him fondly, “How did your year teaching end up?”

 

Remus smiled grimly and sat down gratefully accepting the mug she placed in his hands. “It was wonderful,” he answered truthfully. “But, there were some issues that… I wasn’t… I won’t be going back next semester.”

 

Mary placed her hand on his shoulder and smiled, her eyes full of pity. Remus looked away. This was not what he wanted. He had mostly worked on and off in muggle shops the past decade. Teaching had been something he loved. The loss of the position compounded with the loss of the reality that he had believed and he was exhausted. He did not want to talk about it. He did not want to think about it. He took a gulp of his drink and held up the glass. 

* * *

One day later the ministry did come. Three aurors cast detecting charms and tore through his belongings. Remus almost asked the wizard crashing through his kitchen if he suspected Sirius of being transformed into a spatula, but he bit his tongue. He sent Dumbledore an owl that night and then walked to the pub.

* * *

Remus returned, slightly drunk, to his stoop to find a large shaggy dog sitting there. He dropped his keys. “Come in,” he spoke softly to the dog opening the door. “Wait,” he instructed as he moved around the house making sure his blinds were close, muttering some shielding spells. He paused as he turned back towards the dog— half wanting Sirius to stay in this form. It had been different at Hogwarts. They had a task, a common enemy, witnesses. Now it was just them and Remus ached with things he felt he should say— ached with questions. 

 

Sirius transformed back— tall and thin, so thin. Remus closed his eyes and drew a long breath to try to make his voice come out steady. A task he failed as he said, “Hi Sirius.”

 

Sirius tried to cock his head and grin, but the smile didn't reach his eyes and he still looked slightly maniacal.  “Hi.” Remus was not sure what to say in this situation now that they didn’t have a focus. He knew he wanted to apologize, but that felt like too big of a conversation to have while Sirius was still standing by his door shivering slightly and looking so broken. 

 

“Do you want a bath?” He finally asked, “I mean. You can have a bath if you want. We don’t have to— I mean you don’t have to. I wouldn’t be taking one with you,” Remus stuttered.“Obviously,” he finished trailing off. Remus cringed. 

 

Sirius let out a hollow chuckle, “Yeah, a bath would be good.”                                                                                                                          

Remus nodded, not sure what else to say, and led Sirius to his bathroom. He turned on the water and stood staring at it for a moment. “Okay, let me know if you need anything else?” Remus felt badly, but he almost ran out of the room shutting the door firmly behind him. Being in the same room with the other man felt suffocating. Remus sat down at the dining room table and put his head in his shaking hands. Shit. He couldn’t even work out how he felt about Sirius being back, let alone know how to interact with him. He was glad he was back. Glad he was innocent. But he had spent twelve years, longer than he had known Sirius, sifting through the betrayal and anger he felt towards him. Hating himself for loving Sirius. Wanting to have answers. And now he did. And he had Sirius back. Sitting in his tub. “Fuck,” he whispered into his hands. He waited there, counting his inhales and exhales, trying to slow down his heart. He had managed get his pulse somewhat steady, when he heard the bathroom door crack open.

 

“Remus?”

 

Remus willed himself to walk towards the bathroom, “Everything okay?”

 

“Do you have towels?”

 

Remus silently cursed himself for forgetting one essential aspect of bathing and opened the linen closet. He silently wished that he could crawl into the closet himself, but he removed his softest towel and walked back down the hall. He approached the door partially opened door slowly. He stepped into the bathroom, uncertain if he should just hand the towel in through the crack, but he decided that sudden modesty might be more uncomfortable. He was wrong. The sight of Sirius sitting in the tub, his head resting on the porcelain edge and his knees pulled tight to his chest, his tangle of hair dripping water on Remus’ bathmat, the hollow of his collarbones, his visible ribs, his— Remus forced himself to look away from the other man. It was the same strange dual sense of foreignness and familiarity that Remus had been feeling since seeing Sirius in the Shrieking Shack, but it felt amplified in this small room. He had known his body so well, each freckle and scar. And now it was different. Sirius looked broken and old and there were new scars. The tattoo of the Lion across his chest was not moving and the muscles underneath it had deflated and it warped as a result. 

 

“Here,” Remus said. He put the towel over the old radiator in the corner, “this is one of my favorite tricks” He looked at his feet. In the past twelve years, he thought he had developed a sense of himself, that he knew what he wanted, and knew how to behave. He felt like he was an adolescent now, overly aware of his limbs and where he was looking with no idea of the right thing to say.

 

“Thanks,” Sirius said softly. His eyes were closed and his hands, Merlin had his fingers always looked that brittle?, were skimming along the surface of the water. Remus started to walk towards the door, afraid he would not be able to stop staring. 

 

“Do you have a comb?” Sirius said right before Remus was about to escape into the dark empty comfort of the hall. 

 

“Yeah, yes.” He reached into the cupboard and started to hand the wooden comb to Sirius, but the other man had turned to his back to Remus.

 

“Will you?” He asked. 

 

There was something in the tone of his voice almost pleading and Remus swallowed hard. He knelt on the white bathmat against his better judgment and again found himself willing his hands to stop shaking.  _ Get it together _ . Remus slowly began to work his own hair potion into the rat’s nest in Sirius’ hair and started to use his fingers to separate the strands. 

 

“You have some twigs,” Remus said removing the debris and lining it up on the tile floor, “possibly some branches.”

 

Sirius let out a breath that was half chuckle and half cough. “Occupational hazard I suppose,” He said. His eyes were still closed and the bathwater was still rippling just underneath his long fingers.

 

“And what occupation is that?” Remus asked He was still using his fingers to work through the matted hair and he could feel the warmth radiating off of Sirius inches away from his hands.

 

“Oh you know. Professional outlaw. Licensed fugitive. Hooligan of ill-repute.”

 

Remus let out an actual laugh, “I would argue that saying you’re a hooligan of ill-repute is a little redundant.”

 

“What about Robin Hood?”

 

“Was Robin Hood a hooligan?” Remus started using the comb slowly pulling it through Sirius’ long black hair with his fingers following, trying not to tug too hard. Sirius let out a small noise. “Does that hurt?” Remus asked.

 

“No, it’s—” Sirius said, “it doesn’t hurt.” He stretched his legs out so his feet were perched on the other side of the tub. Remus purposefully fixed his eyes on the back of Sirius’ head. “Living as a dog probably didn’t do me any favors either.”

 

“Definitely not. Dog-you tended to charge into uncleanly situations head first.”

 

Sirius hummed out a low laugh, then fell silent.  A few minutes passed of Remus working slowly on Sirius’ hair and he was just thinking that this silence felt almost comfortable for the first time when Sirius interrupted his thoughts, “Moony?” His voice was raspy, low, pleading. Remus froze. He knew already what that one vulnerable word was a lead-in to. He desperately wanted to go back to the conversation of two minutes ago. He was not ready to discuss this, let alone discuss it while he was combing Sirius’s hair, a gesture that suddenly felt so painfully intimate, with Sirius naked in front of him. “Sirius—” He began. Remus could have sworn that he saw Sirius flinch at Remus’ rejection of his nickname, but he continued, “Sirius, we don’t have to talk about this now.”

 

“I know. I just— Moony— I need to say this.”

 

“We can do this when you are clean— or clothed at least. We have time,” Remus said. He had stopped combing the other man’s hair and was staring at his own hands.

 

“I’m sorry okay? I know I said it before, but things were crazy and I just. I’m sorry—”

 

Remus almost laughed again despite himself. Sirius was always impossible to divert once he made up his mind he wanted to do something. He tried again, “You don’t have to—” 

 

“No. I do. I remember the things that I said to you. I heard them over and over again while I was— there. I said awful things. I was an ass and I didn’t mean— Moony, I was scared and you were gone for so long and you know me,” Sirius said. He was splashing the water up against the sides of the tub now. He took a shaking breath and Remus had to stop himself from pressing a steadying hand against his shoulder. “You know me, Moony. I don’t know how to deal with disagreements or emotions or— I just— I was an idiot.”

 

Remus closed his eyes. He did not know if he was ready to talk. He had Sirius had been fighting before that Halloween. Remus had been working for the Order trying to connect with other werewolves. Everyone had been on edge and when they knew that there was a spy suddenly everyone saw betrayal everywhere. Remus had been trying to purge his memory of anything related to Sirius for so long that he had not thought about those last weeks in years, and now he felt exhausted. In this moment, he was ready to go on forgetting that time if he could. “There was so much going on back then. It’s okay. Really it’s okay. I think that I am— I think I need to apologize to you. I should have known it wasn’t you who betrayed them. Merlin Sirius, of course it wasn’t. I should have known.” Each word causes the dull ache in his stomach to swell— guilt, he recognized. “I— I should have looked into it. I should have figured out what happened. I just accepted it and that’s— I shouldn’t have done that. How did I not know? I let you stay in that place and did not do a thing about it—” Remus was pressing the teeth of the comb into the pad of his thumb. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Sirius.

 

“I was an ass, remember? We established that,” Sirius turned slightly to face Remus. 

 

He did not look up. “Yes, you were the kind of paranoid ass who got worked up and accused your boyfriend of betraying all your friends because he’s a werewolf. Not a mass-murdering kind of ass.”

 

“Moony, you have to know I didn’t think that. I’ve always known that the wolf— I was just angry and scared and acting like a fucking kid. I’m sorry—”

 

“I know. It’s— it was a long time ago, okay? And it’s not an excuse for me to just believe—”

 

Sirius let out a loud bark of a laugh. Remus jumped and dropped the comb on the tile.

 

“This isn’t going to end, is it? We could apologize to each other for the next two hours or we could just agree that we were both sorry asses,” A pause.  “What a pair, eh?”

 

A pair. Remus swallowed. The casual kind of acknowledgement of the two of them being—  a something—  that would have been natural before. Sirius was staring at him. Remus could tell. He took a breath and forced himself to look up. Sirius had recognized his mistake. He was looking at him with a vulnerable and submissive look that Remus would never have been able to imagine Sirius capable of before now. He wanted to hug him again. Instead he reached up and put a hand on his bare shoulder. Sirius leaned into his touch just slightly. The heat coming from his skin surprised Remus and he pulled his hand away. He picked up the comb and started to work through Sirius’ hair again. 

 

“Have you been,” Sirius paused; his knees were back by his chest and his fingers were drawing circles on his knees, “okay?” He finished. 

 

“Okay… yeah, I’ve been— okay,” Remus responded. That was the question he did not quite know the answer to. “Well,” he decided to just go with as much honestly he could handle at this point, “as okay as a barely employable werewolf could be.” Remus forced a small laugh at the end to try to make the sentence feel lighter.

 

“Good,” Sirius said somberly. Then he cocked his head towards Remus. “I’m a bit surprised to hear you’re struggling with work. Given the luxurious quarters you have,” he raised an eyebrow and half smiled. The expression was like a shadow of the younger Sirius that Remus remembered. 

 

Remus laughed gently, “I know, I know. Nothing but the finest.” He pushed down the instinct to reciprocate the question— ask Sirius if he’s been okay. The answer would obviously be no. It was clear in every protruding bone, in the lack of light in his grey eyes, in his gruff and hollow voice. So he said nothing. He did not know how to discuss this— besides taking on misplaced responsibility— naming the guilt that twisted his gut. He finished working the comb through Sirius’ hair in silence. “There,” he said, “although I have to say, you may want to consider a haircut. This is quite a high-maintenance look you’re rocking.”

 

A small chuckle. “It’s true. I’ve been slacking on my beauty routine. What do they say, one-hundred brush strokes a day? At least it would give me something to do.” 

 

Sirius always had the ability to joke about his misfortunes and Remus was always surprised at how comfortably he fell into it with him.  “What the fugitive lifestyle not as exciting as you thought it would be?” This felt good— this kind of back and forth.

 

“You know, it isn’t? I haven’t shot up a single saloon. In fact, I don’t think I’ve even been into a saloon.”

 

“Unfortunate really, you’d look right at home in the wild west.” Sirius grinned at Remus and it wasn’t quite the same grin Remus remembered, but it still seemed to warm something inside of him in the same way it used to. Remus swallowed. Sirius slid down the side of the tub to wash the potion out of his hair and Remus quickly looked away from Sirius’ exposed body. He resurfaced and shook his head in a very doglike manner. Remus smiled at him. 

 

“Maybe that’s where I should go. The wild west?” 

 

“You may also need to steal a time-turner first. You should at least start a rivalry with a portly trigger-happy sheriff.” Remus stood to fetch the towel from the radiator. 

 

“Oh that’s a must.” Sirius stood and stepped out of the tub. Azkaban had not erased all of Sirius’ breeding— the man still managed to look graceful— even climbing out of a tub. Remus shook his head slightly— averting his eyes and handing him the towel. Sirius’ fingers brushed over his knuckles as he took the towel and Remus was struck again by the heat of them. “Do you have, er, clothes I can wear?” Sirius asked softly after a moment.

 

“Right. Yes,” Remus said suddenly feeling awkward again and very aware of Sirius’ nakedness. “Muggle clothing okay?”

 

Sirius cocked his head, “You know I prefer it.”

 

Remus left the bathroom feeling like he was running away again. All the years he spent trying to forget Sirius and all the years he had spent hating him had pushed away these small things. The balance Sirius always gently straddled between self-deprecation and cockiness. The way his whole body practically glowed when he smiled. His ability to dive into things head first with no fear. The way he looked at Remus— he could display loyalty and affection just through a look. Remus stood in front of his closet and shook himself. No. They were not twenty anymore. Sirius was a different man, and so was Remus for that matter. It was disturbing how easy it was for him to forget all the betrayal and hatred he had felt. It was as if he had been waiting for this to happen without even knowing it. He was unnerved by how easy it was to fall back into the comfort of Sirius. 

 

He sighed and opened his closet. He pulled out a pair of sweatpants. He looked down at the bottom of the closet where a pile of books and parchment covered a small chest. He sat on the floor and took it out, suppressing a cough as he dusted it off. It was where he put everything that he couldn’t bring himself to throw out from before that Halloween. Photos, notes, letters. A small brass statue of a wolf and a dog Sirius had given him. The enchanted full moon calendar he had made. Sirius’ favorite jumper— Remus pulled it out now. It was hideous, lumpy and bright gryffindor red with misshapen golden lions embroidered around the wrists. Sirius had loved it because it was warm and it angered his parents. Remus had loved it because it always smelled like Sirius and when he wore it it made Sirius giggle and look at him with such open affection. 

 

He sat on the floor with the jumper in his hands debating if he should offer it to Sirius for too long. He did not hear the other man come into the room. “You kept that?”

 

Remus looked up, sheepish, “I tried to throw it out,” he turned back to the chest, “All of this really. I haven’t looked at it in years.”

 

Sirius pulled on the sweatpants Remus had discarded on the bed and knelt down on the floor. He picked up the figurine of the wolf and the dog. His fingers stroked the spine of the wolf gently. “The enchantment wore off,” he said. “Here,” Sirius said as he pulled Remus’ wand out of his pocket. An intimate gesture. His hands brushed Remus’ thigh and Remus almost sighed. Sirius muttered something and the metal shivered as it came to life. The dog jumped lightly and nudged the wolf, who gently bit its nose. Sirius smiled down at it before placing it on the floor. He slid Remus’ wand back in the pocket. He turned back to the chest and Remus thought again that this was a bad idea. Things were too raw to dig together into these memories. 

 

Sirius picked up a note. It was in James’ messy scrawl. He smiled and ran his hands over it, smoothing the parchment. James had drawn a cartoon of a werewolf breaking into Honeydukes in the corner. Sirius chuckled. “I still can’t believe they’re gone.” 

 

“I know,” Remus said. He was still clutching the jumper. They sat together sifting through the contents of the chest until Remus noticed Sirius shivering. His chest was still bare and his wet hair clung to his back. “Shit sorry,” Remus cast a drying spell on Sirius’ hair and tugged a flannel shirt from his closet. “You need a wand,” he stood without thinking, opened his bedside table, and took out a thin box. He handed it to Sirius, “Here.”

 

Sirius took out the wand and looked at Remus, eyebrows raised in question.

 

“It was my dad’s,” Remus answered.

 

“Was—”

 

“He passed away a few years ago,” Remus said. 

 

“I'm sorry,” Sirius said. He reached out his hand towards Remus’ shoulder. It stayed suspended there in the air awkwardly for a moment before Sirius decided to place it gently on the other man’s shoulder. He squeezed and Remus closed his eyes. Leaning slightly in. “It’s just you now?” Sirius asked.

 

Remus found himself looking at Sirius for a few moments too long before he answered. “Yeah, just me.”

 

“Well, I’m just me too,” Sirius said. His hand slid down Remus’ arm until it met his fingers where it lingered for a moment— a hot brush along his knuckles— before dropping back to Sirius’ side.

 

Remus looked down until he could draw a breath. “What a pair, eh?” He echoed back Sirius’ previous words.

 

Sirius let out a laugh that felt too loud. “What a pair.” He drew the old wand and flicked it experimentally. Silver sparks flew out of tip and floated down on Remus’ head. He flicked the wand again and a small tree started growing from the floor. It inched taller until it stood Remus’ height and golden buds broke into green leaves. 

 

Remus smiled through the branches at the other man, “Show off,” he said, “My floor better go back to normal after this.”

 

“Alright, alright,” Sirius said. The tree disappeared. “It’s a good wand.”

 

“It responds better to you than it does to me.”

 

“It must be my natural charm,” Sirius winked. 

 

“Don’t forget your innate talent,” Remus added. 

 

Sirius stepped into the space where the tree had been growing. “Well of course. That too.” He grinned at Remus. His smiles still didn’t fully reach his eyes, but they were starting to look less menical. Sirius was standing too close. Remus looked down at the floor. He could feel the heat from the other man’s body. He could smell him— a mixture of his own soaps and that deep piney scent that was just  _ Sirius _ . He could feel his own heart— not listening to his silent pleas to slow down— beating loudly. He knew what his body wanted in that moment— knew what he wanted, but it was a bad idea. They didn’t know each other anymore. This would be easy comfort, but it carried too much weight. Sirius needed a friend right now and adding anything to that wouldn’t be fair. This was a selfish impulse born from his own loneliness and just poor poor decision making skills. He looked up. Sirius was looking unwavering into his eyes.

 

“Moony,” Sirius said— his voice half whisper. His eyes, still focused on Remus, looked bold. His voice still held onto the same pleading vulnerability as earlier. “I really missed you.”

 

“I missed you too,” Remus responded, hating how young his voice sounded. He could say more. He could tell Sirius how, for years, he woke up on the wrong side of the bed his arms around a pillow. He could tell him how there were other nights when he woke up with Sirius’ name on his lips and his stomach churning with desire and guilt. He could tell him how he sometimes still would see something and think how he needed to remember it to tell the other man. How his transformations just seemed to keep getting harder without him there. How he nearly adopted the big black dog that used to scrounge food scraps behind his favorite pub. Instead, Remus swallowed and took a small step backwards. “You must be hungry.”

 

Remus saw Sirius’ face fall for a second before he stepped back too and sent him a half smile. “I guess I must be, although it’s hard to tell. I shared my last meal with a Hippogriff. And it was a rat—”

 

“A rat?” Remus raised his eyebrows.

 

“Not Pettigrew,” Sirius said, “Although I can’t deny I didn’t imagine it was for a moment— for the stalking and pouncing part— not the eating part.”

 

“That’s probably for the best,” Remus said, heading towards the kitchen, “He’d probably taste awful anyways.”

 

“Like betrayal and burnt toast,” Sirius agreed, following behind Remus. 

 

“I don’t have much,” Remus said, opening the cabinets to demonstrate. “Breakfast for dinner?”  He took some sausages out of the refrigerator and held them up in question. 

 

“Perfect,” Sirius said. He boosted himself up onto the counter and sat. 

 

Remus was relieved that he a task to focus on. He always found cooking comforting and he honestly did not trust himself, or his body, with Sirius so close right now.

 

“So,” Sirius said as he pulled up his legs til he sat cross legged on Remus’ counter. “ _ Professor  _ Lupin”

 

“Well, not anymore,” Remus said. The loss still ached

 

Sirius smiled slightly. “I bet you were brilliant.”

 

Remus smiled into the frying pan. “I loved it.” He continued cooking and told Sirius about his year. He made extra care to make sure he told him every detail he remembered about his time with Harry. He was recounting the Snape-boggart incident for a second time when he handed Sirius a plate. 

 

Sirius shook his head, laughing, “That’s brilliant,” His hands clasped Remus’ over the edge of the plate, “You’re brilliant.” Sirius was looking at him with that same deliberate stare. Remus did not think he had it in him to turn away again. He placed the plate on the counter and returned Sirius’ gaze. He was standing close now, and Sirius’ knees brushed his sides. “Moony,” Sirius said again. His voice was low and raspy.  Remus placed a hand on Sirius’ thigh, still looking into his eyes. He swore his body was acting on its own volition, because there was nothing but a dull buzz in his brain. Sirius leaned forward until their foreheads touched. “Moony,” he repeated. This was it. This was the line. Before this point Remus could pretend everything had been platonic. They were just reconnecting— rebuilding a friendship first before they returned to something more. But there were no explanations for this— Remus’ palm pressed into the other man’s thigh and the soft sigh that came from Sirius as his hand slid further up made Remus’ breath hitch. They stayed like that for a moment with their foreheads touching and breaths shaking. Remus could not speak. Sirius dragged his fingers up Remus’ arm, across his shoulder, until it clasped the back of his neck. He tugged Remus closer. Sirius’ kiss was insistent and Remus kissed him back before anything in his brain could stop him. It was frantic— Sirius’ desperation clear in every movement. He clawed at Remus’ back urging him closer. He bit Remus’ bottom lip and wrapped his legs around his waist so their bodies were flush. Remus could feel the heat from the other man’s groin and he pressed into it. Sirius moaned into his mouth. It felt good— familiar and intense. It wasn't until Sirius worked his hands in between them to pull at Remus’ belt that he remembered he had been trying to be mature about all of this. 

 

“Merlin Sirius, wait. Wait,” he said pulling back an inch. One of his hands was still tangled in Sirius’ long hair. 

 

Sirius, whose hands were still on Remus’ belt, looked confused. “What? What's wrong?”

 

Remus removed his hand from the other man’s hair. He closed his eyes and tried so summon strength. He didn't want to be the cause of any more pain for Sirius, didn't want to see that haunted and hurt expression knowing he was the cause. He had always hated to disappoint Sirius and on top of all that he could feel the yearning and desire welling up inside himself. He had already instinctively moved closer, something he didn't notice until Sirius’ breath blew hot against his cheek. “This is a bad idea,” Remus said quickly, eyes still shut. 

 

“Why?” Sirius removed his hands from Remus’ belt. “Is there— is there someone else?” 

 

“No,” Remus said. He almost laughed. He had been about as lucky in that regard as he had been finding steady work. A few short flings. Some one night stands with men with dark hair and light eyes. The longest relationship he had had since Sirius had lasted a year and seven months. It was with a muggle woman and it ended with her looking at him with sad eyes, kissing his cheek, and saying  _ you need therapy. Lots of therapy.  _ Remus opened his eyes and forced himself to look at Sirius. “No,” he repeated.

 

The corners of Sirius’ mouth turned up slightly. “So then, why not?” He slid his arms back around Remus and pulled him forward. 

 

“Sirius,” Remus tugged back farther. “We don't know each other anymore and—” Remus tried to remember all the logical and mature reasons he had thought of before, but it was difficult with Sirius inches away, lips swollen and looking at him through half closed eyes. 

 

“Come on Moony, it’s us,” Sirius kissed him again, lightly this time. “This makes sense.”

 

Remus sighed. “You've just spent the last twelve years in prison, surrounded by dementors. You need a friend right now. Sirius, you need to heal. You don't need a confusing romantic entanglement with someone who has grown up alone and—” 

 

“For fuck’s sake Remus, I'm not a child,” Sirius said loudly. He slid back on the counter away from Remus. “The last time I checked I was fully capable of making my own decisions. What I don't need is you coddling me or treating me like I'm about to break.” 

 

“It's not just that,” Remus said, “we’re not sixteen or twenty anymore. It's so easy to just fall back into this, but I don't want it to just be because we're holding on to the past. I don't want to use you to just pretend things haven't changed. You don't even know if you like who I am anymore.”

 

The anger in Sirius’ eyes softened. “This is exactly what I want. And it's not like that. We’re the only people who can fully understand everything we've lost. This makes sense. We still—” Sirius scooted closer again and ran his hands down Remus arms, “fit. Don't we? And I know I like you. I like how you aren't afraid to laugh at me. I like how called Snape ‘Severus’ all year and were so polite. I know you say you were trying to be the bigger person, but I know you did it because you knew that would drive him crazy. That's exactly your kind of mischief and I love it. I like how all of the wall space in your house is taken up by bookshelves. I like—” Sirius paused and roughly tugged Remus towards him closing the remaining inches between their bodies. He brushed the hair out of Remus’ eyes his thumb lingering on his cheekbone before continuing, “I like that you still get that look when you're thinking I'm about to make a bad decision,” he paused again, leaning in until their lips almost touched. “But you're going to go along with it anyways.”

 

Remus sighed slightly. He already knew he’d given in. Despite his worry and concern there was still something that felt safe here between him, something that felt like home. He leaned in and finished the kiss. It was less frantic than before, but Remus still felt Sirius’ desperation— eagerness to hold on to every part of him. He alternated between pressing Remus hard against him and pushing him away so he could run his hands over Remus’ chest and neck. He kissed a line down Remus’ neck to his collar bones and gently bit. Remus let out an involuntary groan and wrapped his hands in Sirius’ hair, pulling him back into a kiss. He could feel the other man’s erection pressing into him and he reached behind to pull him right to the counter’s edge. Sirius ground into him, legs wrapping him tight, and let out a strangled moan against his mouth. His hands moved back to Remus’ belt and he fumbled to get it open. “Sirius,” Remus said. His voice was half breath half moan.

“Merlin Moony, please don’t tell me you’ve come to your senses again,” Sirius said, breathing hard.

 

“No, no. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to,” Remus said. His hips were demonstrating his point, rocking against the other man. “I just, I wanted to be sure that this is okay— that this is what you want—”

 

Sirius chuckled. He pressed his lips gently into Remus’. “Oh, most definitely,” and with that he undid Remus’ belt and tugged at his pants. 

 

“That was—” Sirius said after they had finished.

 

“Unsanitary,” Remus said; their come was dripping off of his hand onto the floor.

 

Sirius chuckled against Remus’ neck. “Well, lucky for you we can do that again. Somewhere that isn’t your kitchen.”

 

“The food got cold,” Remus said, nodding towards the plates laid out next to them. 

 

“Don’t care,” Sirius said as he flicked his new wand to clean both of them off. “I can tell you’re about to tell me this is a bad idea again.”

 

Remus drew his wand and started reheating the food. “No,” he answered honestly, “I’m afraid I’m past the point of protest.”

 

They ate mostly in silence. Sirius ate slowly, deliberately, a shift from how he used to down food with gusto. Sirius was pushing the last few bites around the plate with his fork and Remus was struck that he looked so young in that moment, despite his hollowed cheeks and pale skin. “Where are you going to go?” Remus asked in a low voice. 

 

Sirius looked up. “I hadn’t really thought past coming here.”

 

Remus took a breath, “You know you can’t stay. They are still looking for you quite actively. They’ve already come to question me once, and I don’t think they will give up with that. It’s too dangerous.” He did not want to look at Sirius, didn’t want to see if he had disappointed him.

 

“I know. Dumbledore made that clear enough. I think I need to go somewhere outside the jurisdiction of the Ministry. I was thinking somewhere warm. Somewhere with no fog,” Sirius said.

 

“Get some sun,” Remus agreed, relieved, “You’ll be able to come back. And you’re always welcome here. I promise you that you’ll be able to come back.”

 

“Don’t make promises that you can’t keep,” Sirius said pushing his plate away.

 

“I mean to say, you’re always welcome here, for what it’s worth,” Remus said. Sirius’ lips quirked slightly and Remus continued just wanting to see the other man smile again, “Dumbledore will work to clear your name and we’ll find Peter soon. He couldn’t have made it that far; a rat's’ legs are quite short.”

 

Sirius let out half a laugh, “Yeah.”

 

Remus wasn’t sure that he believed himself, but looking into Sirius’ dull sad eyes he found he could not stop himself from lying, “We’ll have a celebration and you’ll be properly free. People will stare and whisper, but you always liked that kind of attention. You can go watch Harry play quidditch at Hogwarts, in human form this time, with a seat in the stands.”

 

“And he can come stay with us on holidays,” Sirius added.

 

_ Us _ . Remus took a breath, “Yes, of course.”

 

Sirius smiled.  _ There _ , Remus thought. The smile faded quickly though. 

 

“What’re you going to do?” Sirius asked.

 

Remus shrugged. “I’ll look for work again. Things will be back to normal.”

 

“What about the Wolfsbane potion?”

 

“I don’t think Severus will be to eager to assist me now, and it isn’t widely available elsewhere. Or cheap.” Remus stood to clear their plates.

 

“I could—” Sirius began.

 

“No. I’ll be fine. Really.”

 

Sirius was stood as well. “I’ll write. When I can. And I’ll be back soon, right?”

 

“Of course. You won’t even have a chance to get a suntan.”

 

“I should get going soon though. I want to get as much distance as I can while it’s still dark,” Sirius gestured towards the door.

 

Remus felt relieved. Sirius’ heady presence was making him feel like he was losing control. As much as he wanted the other man next to him in his bed that night, he knew that he might not be able to let him go in the morning. “Of course. Do you need anything else?”

 

Sirius fiddled the wand between his fingers. “No. Thank you. For this.”

 

Remus nodded and began walking towards the door. “Well,” he said. He turned to face Sirius and swallowed the urge to ask him to stay. He knew what would happen if he did. Sirius’ face would light up. He’d start listing all the ideas he’d come up with to avoid detection. He would be excited and playful, but it would be too risky. The desire to see Sirius’ face light up like that was fighting him, but he stood his ground. He had already lost too much self-control tonight. “I’m glad you came,” he said instead.

 

“Me too,” Sirius said, pulling Remus into a soft kiss. 

 

“Take care of yourself out there.”

 

“You do the same here,” Sirius said. There was a long pause. Sirius’ arms were still wrapped around him. “Goodbye then.”

 

“Bye Padfoot,” Remus said, almost whispering.

 

Sirius transformed suddenly and sat by the door looking expectantly at Remus, who knelt, scratched the dog behind the ears and kissed its head. “Goodbye,” he repeated and opened the door. He watched until he couldn’t see the shape of the black dog anymore before turning back into his house with a sigh. They hadn’t worked everything out and there were still more difficult conversations to have, but for the first time in twelve years, Remus felt hopeful.

 

 

 

 


End file.
